Hello my hearts!! Oh my...it has been a minute hasn't it? I havemissed you. I have missed me too, to be honest.
Things have been a bit crazy for the last month...ok, the last 2 months. See? that's the first gift. I can be really honest with myself. My delicate psyche would really like to convince itself that its only been a month; probably so it can start to make me feel really guilty about how I've been feeling; but NOPE. Not today, thinking mind! Not today.
Two months ago I started the, often painstaking process, of buying a house. I heard from just about anyone who I told just how much of a nightmare buying a house is.
"Oh, get ready to tear your hair out!"
"Its the worst!!! That's why you only buy 1 or 2 houses in a lifetime...its just so stressful."
But...does it have to be?
That ^ is gift #2. The awareness to step back from other people's opinions and think 'hmm...but is that true for me?
Does it have to be a painstaking process where I lose all my power? I had a hunch that it didn't...even though I was being inundated with people's ideas and experiences that were so negative...I just had to find out for myself.
And the only way to do that was to shield myself from their opinions by reminding myself that that was their experience. Take nothing personally, right?
So, I did! We (my partner and I) bought the house! and guess what? I was fine! I did one task at a time (and there were A LOT of tasks from the mortgage company, to title, to realtor...), reminded myself to keep present in the moment and the current task at hand, cried quite a bit, confided in my partner my feelings of fear, inadequacy and immaturity, and I BOUGHT THE HECK OUT OF THIS HOUSE!
I loved every single minute! Every time the mortgage company kicked back a document, I learned something. I didn't allow the task of needing to send another document, being anything more than it was. I also took the time to learn a little bit about the process of buying a house-laws they must oblige to, waiting periods, etc.
See? that's the next pay off. Curiosity and expanding your mind.
Once I did the inner work to really get to know myself, I learned that most of my anger and frustration in my early life was because I felt dumb. I am dyslexic, although in grade school that was just called 'stupid', and kids made fun of me all the time. I was very slow (still am!) with new material and require a bit more time to fully understand process'.
So now, I just choose to learn. Instead of falling into the pit of despair (I can't do that, that's too hard, man I am so stupid!), I say to myself-awesome, another thing I can learn.
Buying the house was not the crazy part. Not for me.
For me, adjusting to a new home threw me completely out of balance.
I have been un-grounded for nearly 6 years. I should clarify that I always grounded in myself. We are all our own anchor, we all have feet. (or hands, you know that I mean) But, I have not had a home of my own for 6 years. I traveled, went to school, and have a supportive family whom I stayed with after I returned to the U.S.
But I am a home body. I love my own space and I love to pour the loving and compassionate intention into my own home. I have been craving it for years. So, the next gifts I received were expectation, attachment, and control.
They don't really seem like gifts do they? Oh, but they are!! They are my sensors, my alarms, to signal that I am way off my center!
I have zoomed in on the detail, and I got lost in it.
Ya know how you cannot see your face unless you have a mirror in front of you? its kind of like that. You know you have a face, but until you pass a mirror, you don't consider it.
If I didn't have the emotions of expectation, attachment, and control, I wouldn't knowI was the problem. I'd think it was something or someone, outside of me. Oh but its not! Its not anyone or anything but my own deepest desires coming to life and given breath; and sort of acting like a newborn child...
These feelings were suppressed for so long (not yet...almost...ok just another month...week...etc) that when they released, they held so much charge. If our bodies are batteries, our emotions are the combustible materials inside.
But because I do the inner work to get to know my emotions and give them the proper love and attention, even though I was having these feelings, there was a layer of separation from them. I didn't have to have the full breakdown; just little tiny ones to release the energy along my way and after doing that for about a month; I HAVE EMERGED!